No action is too small in relationships. Each small change you make.
As a therapist of couples with over 30 years of experience, I saw the partners repeat many of the same mistakes, often unconsciously. Usually these unsuccessful patterns began early in relation.
But don't worry if you are making mistakes now. Simple changes at any time can go a long way to reverse.
Here are six common tendencies to avoid in a relationship, especially in the early years:
1. Winging It
Most people are. We do what was modeled on us, growing upOr maybe the opposite.
While we educate ourselves as professionals and parents, most of us do not realize that we must learn to be a good partner: we can effectively deal with conflicts to Become a good listenerTo fix and constantly invest in maintaining a connection.
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I invite you to perceive yourself as partners in training and spend time learning from articles, books and even therapy.
2. Pulling your partner responsible for your happiness and well -being
AND A satisfying relationshipWhere love is still growing, it begins when every person understands that their happiness and fulfillment belong to their own hands, not their partner. That is why “relationship with each other” is placed as the first pillar in my book “Suffering marriage: healing your relationship with responsibility, growth, priority and goal,“And as a basis for building long -term love.
When you invest in self -awareness, you prepare for life authentically and happily. Knowledge of yourself becomes a gate to treat yourself with loving kindness, challenging itself to development, and ultimately taking responsibility for your own well -being.
3. Viewing the conflict as a bad sign
One of the most overlooked mistakes, young couples commit stalks of the belief that a good relationship should be liquid, with a minimum fight or disconnection. A mistaken conviction often prevents them from counseling, because they are afraid that admitting to tension means something worse than in reality.
But a lively, breathable relationship or marriage actually means disconnection and re -connection many times. In this way, we build trust and grow. Here's what I often say when couples come into therapy for the first time:
“I'm glad you're here. Your friction is not a bad sign. This means that referring to development. The key is to learn the approach to the conflict to help you grow personally and closer. This must start by normalizing the challenges and covering the problems you have instead of looking for a quick relief or avoiding them. ”
4. I'm trying to change my partner
When something in your partner gets under your skin, an attempt is to change them.
Yes, it is important to solve the problems that disturb you. But most often it focuses on what is wrong. When you feel a tendency to criticize or change your partner, ask yourself:
- “Can I use this moment to become more patient, safe for myself, tolerant or unconditionally loving?”
- “Is there an increase here for me?”
- “Am I doing something similar?”
- “Do I expect perfection?”
- “Am I grateful enough for everything that my partner is and gives?”
5. Priority loss
At the beginning it is easy to cultivate our partners. But making sure that our partner seems to be the most important person in our lives must be a ongoing priority.
The most common threat I see in this priority is that the couple becomes a family kids. In -laws, work or too much care for what others think, at the expense of the needs or feelings of a partner, can also interfere.
Young couples should be careful from the very beginning after simple ways of fighting for their relationship and make their partner feel valued. This may mean night and night of growth, and the first are having fun, and the second because of what feels good or not so well in a relationship.
6. Little thinking
It is important to take care of yourself, invest our own happinessAnd cultivate people in our direct circles and community. At the same time, to use everything that a relationship can introduce to our lives, we must think about a larger one.
Searching for ways in which you-in individual and as a para-can make the world better add strength and fulfillment that no amount of satisfaction with needs can bring your bond.
I don't feel that you have to save the world in one day. You can start with a small age, like volunteering, bring a meal to someone who is sick or greets guests in your home. The idea is to nourish, as a couple, some of you who love to give, in constantly developing ways.
I think that when my husband and I connect our energy because of the others, the spirit of generosity smoothes our differences and brings us even more.
Rachel GlikIN EDD, He is a licensed professional advisor with over 30 years as a couple and an individual therapist. She taught and created workshops for organizations such as: YPO, Kabalah Center, Onevillage, University of Missouri and Saint Louis psychotherapy. Rachel is also the author “Splible marriage: healing your relationship with responsibility, growth, priority and goal.”
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