When approaching conflictMost people try to get their way while others are trying to find a common plane. This is the authors Robert Bordone and Joel Salinas.
In the new book “CONFLICT Resilience: Negotiating disagreement without giving up” “both say that an attempt to solve the conflict shifts the interaction of its value and that you will gain more of these difficult conversations if you try to learn without trying to win.
“We believe that the conflict has the ability to further merge and actually build a relationship,” says Bordone. He is the founder and former director of the Harvard Negotiations and Mediation Clinical Program.
People who are good at moving around the conflict do not have a way to think that the disputes are bad.
There are some areas of misunderstanding that it is simply impossible to solve
Joel Salinas
Behavioral neurologist and clinical scientist
“If your orientation about what you enter is so negative, it is much harder to be in this run than if you had a different one and, I would say, a more accurate frame,” says Bordone.
In fact, they perceive this as an opportunity to confirm the side of the other person. Instead of coming with a list of points, listening and asking questions are the priority.
“The work related to the conflict is entering the landscape that has no script because it is motivated by a sense of curiosity about something of another person,” says Bordone.
Salinas, behavioral neurologist and scientists of clinicists from New York University, says that people who stand out in dealing with skirmishes-in personal life or in the workplace-also show that sometimes it is unrealistic waiting for the eye.
“There are some areas of misunderstanding that it is simply impossible to solve,” he says.
The conversation is not “a chance to score points”
To combine divisions during the conversation, you must try to understand the fears of the other person, Kurt Gray, professor of social psychology at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill and the author of “Outred: Why are we fighting for morality and politics and how to find a common plane” He told CNBC to do it at the beginning of this year.
“We often enter these conversations and this is not a conversation,” says Gray. “It's a chance to get points or make the other person look stupid. A real conversation is something you ask questions. “
Gray recommends taking three steps to have better conversations when you are with someone dispute:
- Try to understand their motivation: Ask questions and express true curiosity how they came to their conclusion.
- Check this motivation: Even if you do not agree with their point, you can confirm that you understand how they got there.
- Emphasize your personal connection: Instead of despairing them with facts, be sensitive and tell them why you disagree with them at the personal level.
Others more often find some advantages in the argument, if you share a personal anecdote, unlike some statistics, to show why you stand where you do.
“By establishing a connection with someone, I think it is another human being, I think it goes a long way,” says Gray.
You will both leave you feeling better and more respected if you at least try to understand yourself.
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